Giving up to Gain

There were many times in my life when I felt guilty for all of the habits I currently indulge in. Sex, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, etc. I try to practice a lifestyle that reflects my belief systems. I practice yoga, I meditate, I paint, write, and walk. So where do I find the balance between these two parts of my life?

Last night, admittedly under the influence, I was talking with a dear friend of mine who shares similar beliefs. I was telling her that I felt the need to do a cleanse. A deep cleanse, one that eliminates all of my addictions. She, coincidentally, shares the same addictions as I, and she seemed pretty open to the idea too.

When making the decision to cut out all of your favorite social and habitual activities it's relieving to have someone willing to do it with you. So, celibacy and abstaining from drugs and alcohol it is. Practicing yoga and meditating more to overcompensate for how my body will react to this extreme change.

Though we agreed to only do the cleanse for 2 weeks, most of me wants to do it longer. Like, a year? There are many fears that accompany making a decision like this. The idea of not necessarily liking yourself sober or finding someone during this year vow of celibacy that I just can't resist...amongst other reasons.

But, I am feeling strength from a place that puts all those fears to rest. I am feeling like I can do this and learn much about myself in the process. Moving across the country and starting a new life is a huge undertaking that I need a clear head and rationality to pursue. This is the time.

Next Stop: Colorado

While I feel like my next step is finally figuring itself out, I'm just as confused as ever. Moving to Colorado seems to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

Personally, I know it will be difficult to physically move myself and my two cats across the country. I know it's going to be a hot and lonely two days.

But, really, the hardest part is how my friends are reacting. I will miss them all so dearly, it's hard to leave them. However, I've never felt more guilt-tripped in my life. Every time I go out now I get so many of these comments: "Why are you leaving me?!", "You said you weren't moving til the END of the summer, you're a LIAR!", or "Colorado sucks, you're going to hate it there."

To top it off, the person I've been dating for the past 6 months wants me to go but then consistently makes me feel like shit for leaving. What an emotional roller coaster this is turning out to be. Can't I do something for ME? I've never truly done anything this big for myself, and I want to take this step! I want to go to grad school at Naropa and I want to be an Art Therapist. It will be difficult leaving everyone, but I have to do this.

I wish everyone wouldn't make it even more difficult than it already is.
Be happy for me?