Thursday, May 26, 2011
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Giving up to Gain
There were many times in my life when I felt guilty for all of the habits I currently indulge in. Sex, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, etc. I try to practice a lifestyle that reflects my belief systems. I practice yoga, I meditate, I paint, write, and walk. So where do I find the balance between these two parts of my life?
Last night, admittedly under the influence, I was talking with a dear friend of mine who shares similar beliefs. I was telling her that I felt the need to do a cleanse. A deep cleanse, one that eliminates all of my addictions. She, coincidentally, shares the same addictions as I, and she seemed pretty open to the idea too.
When making the decision to cut out all of your favorite social and habitual activities it's relieving to have someone willing to do it with you. So, celibacy and abstaining from drugs and alcohol it is. Practicing yoga and meditating more to overcompensate for how my body will react to this extreme change.
Though we agreed to only do the cleanse for 2 weeks, most of me wants to do it longer. Like, a year? There are many fears that accompany making a decision like this. The idea of not necessarily liking yourself sober or finding someone during this year vow of celibacy that I just can't resist...amongst other reasons.
But, I am feeling strength from a place that puts all those fears to rest. I am feeling like I can do this and learn much about myself in the process. Moving across the country and starting a new life is a huge undertaking that I need a clear head and rationality to pursue. This is the time.
Last night, admittedly under the influence, I was talking with a dear friend of mine who shares similar beliefs. I was telling her that I felt the need to do a cleanse. A deep cleanse, one that eliminates all of my addictions. She, coincidentally, shares the same addictions as I, and she seemed pretty open to the idea too.
When making the decision to cut out all of your favorite social and habitual activities it's relieving to have someone willing to do it with you. So, celibacy and abstaining from drugs and alcohol it is. Practicing yoga and meditating more to overcompensate for how my body will react to this extreme change.
Though we agreed to only do the cleanse for 2 weeks, most of me wants to do it longer. Like, a year? There are many fears that accompany making a decision like this. The idea of not necessarily liking yourself sober or finding someone during this year vow of celibacy that I just can't resist...amongst other reasons.
But, I am feeling strength from a place that puts all those fears to rest. I am feeling like I can do this and learn much about myself in the process. Moving across the country and starting a new life is a huge undertaking that I need a clear head and rationality to pursue. This is the time.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Next Stop: Colorado
While I feel like my next step is finally figuring itself out, I'm just as confused as ever. Moving to Colorado seems to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
Personally, I know it will be difficult to physically move myself and my two cats across the country. I know it's going to be a hot and lonely two days.
But, really, the hardest part is how my friends are reacting. I will miss them all so dearly, it's hard to leave them. However, I've never felt more guilt-tripped in my life. Every time I go out now I get so many of these comments: "Why are you leaving me?!", "You said you weren't moving til the END of the summer, you're a LIAR!", or "Colorado sucks, you're going to hate it there."
To top it off, the person I've been dating for the past 6 months wants me to go but then consistently makes me feel like shit for leaving. What an emotional roller coaster this is turning out to be. Can't I do something for ME? I've never truly done anything this big for myself, and I want to take this step! I want to go to grad school at Naropa and I want to be an Art Therapist. It will be difficult leaving everyone, but I have to do this.
I wish everyone wouldn't make it even more difficult than it already is.
Be happy for me?
Personally, I know it will be difficult to physically move myself and my two cats across the country. I know it's going to be a hot and lonely two days.
But, really, the hardest part is how my friends are reacting. I will miss them all so dearly, it's hard to leave them. However, I've never felt more guilt-tripped in my life. Every time I go out now I get so many of these comments: "Why are you leaving me?!", "You said you weren't moving til the END of the summer, you're a LIAR!", or "Colorado sucks, you're going to hate it there."
To top it off, the person I've been dating for the past 6 months wants me to go but then consistently makes me feel like shit for leaving. What an emotional roller coaster this is turning out to be. Can't I do something for ME? I've never truly done anything this big for myself, and I want to take this step! I want to go to grad school at Naropa and I want to be an Art Therapist. It will be difficult leaving everyone, but I have to do this.
I wish everyone wouldn't make it even more difficult than it already is.
Be happy for me?
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
here's to writing!!
Lately, the thoughts that have consumed my mind are many. From "I really really need money" to "I really really need to be around people who love me"...etc. I've been doing a lot of things to keep my mind occupied as well as try to make money...and I feel a bit balanced. I have an interview tomorrow...for a job I'd rather not have, but money is money for now until I find something better.
I've been learning that it's really hard to let go of certain people. No matter how much they grate against your soul and turn your heart into complete mush...I at least still feel the need to love. Care. Believe that everything will be just fine...for them and for me. Why is it so easy for people to hurt, to seemingly not care about you or your circumstances...to let go of something you thought was so beautiful.
This whole process, of life, my entire life...seems to be leading to something greater. Something beyond myself. I feel happy and grateful but my soul feels sorrow, held back, broken. What is the difference between being "too dramatic" and just feeling? Feeling 100% every emotion and being emotional about every situation that comes your way. Maybe because I am too expressive that it makes me seem like I am dramatic or an over-analyzer. Being an emotional being is a great quality, but it definitely has its repercussions. A friend recently said "man, Kachina, your life stresses ME out!"...this is not my intention. To stress out those I love. I just need to be vocal about what I'm feeling and thinking...I need to get that feeling out of myself so I can release and move on to the next thing. Is this wrong?
A beloved friend of mine is always saying I need to be true to myself. My hope is that through all of this muck and turmoil...through all of this bitterness and heartache that I can finally FIND myself...let alone be true.
I need to learn how to begin to let people go. REALLY let them go. I've found that most of the people I've met in Western PA are very backwards and more judgemental than they would probably think. I feel like most of these people are extremely manipulative and hurtful. It's a strange group of people...not like any I've met before. It's opened my eyes to the vast variety of people on this planet...but it's also allowed me to realize who I don't want to be. I've never met such a large group of people who find "love" in sleeping with anyone and everyone they know and pretending like it's all ok. There's so much more I could say...and probably should say. I will leave it at that for now. I'm just rolling with my emotions...the utter disgust I feel towards these people, the repulsion, the hatred. But also the intrigue, not for myself personally, but for my future book. I do believe that these screwed up, twisted people will be the main characters. I believe the world will be shocked and find it humorous that people like this actually exist and actually believe that what they are doing is ... ok? Beauty from ashes...that's what I'm most grateful for. The fact that I am resilient. I will, yet again, bounce back. These people will always be stuck here...in Slippery Rock-ish areas. Living their ridiculous lives that they think are normal and right and good. I will be far away from here and from them, writing about their absurdities and being happy that I am no longer here.
I've been learning that it's really hard to let go of certain people. No matter how much they grate against your soul and turn your heart into complete mush...I at least still feel the need to love. Care. Believe that everything will be just fine...for them and for me. Why is it so easy for people to hurt, to seemingly not care about you or your circumstances...to let go of something you thought was so beautiful.
This whole process, of life, my entire life...seems to be leading to something greater. Something beyond myself. I feel happy and grateful but my soul feels sorrow, held back, broken. What is the difference between being "too dramatic" and just feeling? Feeling 100% every emotion and being emotional about every situation that comes your way. Maybe because I am too expressive that it makes me seem like I am dramatic or an over-analyzer. Being an emotional being is a great quality, but it definitely has its repercussions. A friend recently said "man, Kachina, your life stresses ME out!"...this is not my intention. To stress out those I love. I just need to be vocal about what I'm feeling and thinking...I need to get that feeling out of myself so I can release and move on to the next thing. Is this wrong?
A beloved friend of mine is always saying I need to be true to myself. My hope is that through all of this muck and turmoil...through all of this bitterness and heartache that I can finally FIND myself...let alone be true.
I need to learn how to begin to let people go. REALLY let them go. I've found that most of the people I've met in Western PA are very backwards and more judgemental than they would probably think. I feel like most of these people are extremely manipulative and hurtful. It's a strange group of people...not like any I've met before. It's opened my eyes to the vast variety of people on this planet...but it's also allowed me to realize who I don't want to be. I've never met such a large group of people who find "love" in sleeping with anyone and everyone they know and pretending like it's all ok. There's so much more I could say...and probably should say. I will leave it at that for now. I'm just rolling with my emotions...the utter disgust I feel towards these people, the repulsion, the hatred. But also the intrigue, not for myself personally, but for my future book. I do believe that these screwed up, twisted people will be the main characters. I believe the world will be shocked and find it humorous that people like this actually exist and actually believe that what they are doing is ... ok? Beauty from ashes...that's what I'm most grateful for. The fact that I am resilient. I will, yet again, bounce back. These people will always be stuck here...in Slippery Rock-ish areas. Living their ridiculous lives that they think are normal and right and good. I will be far away from here and from them, writing about their absurdities and being happy that I am no longer here.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Carlisle
Carlisle this weekend was AMAZINGGGGGGGGGG. It took Jackie and I 5 hours to get there (CRIPES!) but we finally arrived safe and sound and checked into our hotel. I did GOOD picking out our hotel. The Residence Inn Marriot. If you ever get a chance to stay in one - DO IT! We had a kitchen in our hotel room, the room was huge, very comfy AND (here's the kicker!) we had an indoor heated pool and jacuzzi that was open 24 hours. SAH - WEET. Yea, I know.
After our arrival and a pretty long jumping on the hotel bed sesh, Steph came and picked us up and took us to the Middlesex dinner. Then we went back to her house for a drink and a movie. We quickly went back to the hotel to sleeeeep once we left her place. We had a huge day ahead of us.
On Sunday, we went to the Marketcross Pub-which is one of the best restaurants/pubs I've ever been to. A huge selection of beers and some really amazing and authentic English food. Yum. Jackie was in heaven with her Brie sandwich and her Strongbow. Love it. Then we met up with my parents for a second and followed Steph to Harrisburg for the inevitable farewell party. The party was at the Appalachian Brewing Company. What a great space, seriously. It was a huge abandoned warehouse turned brewery and was exposed brick inside and out. The party was on the second floor in the room called "The Gallery". Jackie and I hung our paintings and proceeded to take lots and lots of photographs. I was really excited to get so much positive feedback on my paintings, and love in the room was so thick. We were all there for something pretty tragic, but were glad to be with friends one last time. Steph's parents rented a virtual keg, so we all drank and ate very well. The food served was impeccable as was the night. Towards the end, the manager of the gallery came up and was giving me praise for my paintings. He asked me profusely to leave my paintings there. I was a bit apprehensive, because Jackie and I were leaving the next day to come back to Western PA, so he told me to take them down but to leave my contact info because he wanted to set me up with a show this summer! Eek!!!!!! He also mentioned some other gallery in downtown Harrisburg that would like my work too. Thinking about this just blows my mind. I was so excited I drank myself silly the rest of the night. Jackie and I then drove back to the hotel and swam for probably 4 hours. It was fabulous.
Monday was another adventure. We got up and checked out of our fabulous hotel. We then went to the Hamilton for a hotchy dog and then to George's for a cheeseburg sub. Both of which I HAVE to eat when I come back home and both of which Jackie LOVED. She raved about the food for hours, which makes me happy because those are foods that mean a lot to me. hah. Anyways, then we hit up The Clothes Vine, Whistelstop Bookshop, and some other shops downtown. We made out like bandits, saw my parents one last time, and hung out with Steph.
It's crazy to think that I won't be able to talk to my best friend again for over a year. I hope hope HOPE that she takes care of herself in Iraq and comes back to us in one piece and happy.
It only took us 4 hours to get back from Carlisle, thank goodness the roads were SO much better. It was still disheartening to see all the snow once we got closer to Grove City. Boo! I want my 40 degrees back. HAH! : )
Jackie and I both contracted a 24 hours stomach bug...but are better now.
What a greaaaaaaaaaaat weekend! And Obama's officially president now, WEEEEEEE! : )
~Can't wait for the superbowl!!!~
After our arrival and a pretty long jumping on the hotel bed sesh, Steph came and picked us up and took us to the Middlesex dinner. Then we went back to her house for a drink and a movie. We quickly went back to the hotel to sleeeeep once we left her place. We had a huge day ahead of us.
On Sunday, we went to the Marketcross Pub-which is one of the best restaurants/pubs I've ever been to. A huge selection of beers and some really amazing and authentic English food. Yum. Jackie was in heaven with her Brie sandwich and her Strongbow. Love it. Then we met up with my parents for a second and followed Steph to Harrisburg for the inevitable farewell party. The party was at the Appalachian Brewing Company. What a great space, seriously. It was a huge abandoned warehouse turned brewery and was exposed brick inside and out. The party was on the second floor in the room called "The Gallery". Jackie and I hung our paintings and proceeded to take lots and lots of photographs. I was really excited to get so much positive feedback on my paintings, and love in the room was so thick. We were all there for something pretty tragic, but were glad to be with friends one last time. Steph's parents rented a virtual keg, so we all drank and ate very well. The food served was impeccable as was the night. Towards the end, the manager of the gallery came up and was giving me praise for my paintings. He asked me profusely to leave my paintings there. I was a bit apprehensive, because Jackie and I were leaving the next day to come back to Western PA, so he told me to take them down but to leave my contact info because he wanted to set me up with a show this summer! Eek!!!!!! He also mentioned some other gallery in downtown Harrisburg that would like my work too. Thinking about this just blows my mind. I was so excited I drank myself silly the rest of the night. Jackie and I then drove back to the hotel and swam for probably 4 hours. It was fabulous.
Monday was another adventure. We got up and checked out of our fabulous hotel. We then went to the Hamilton for a hotchy dog and then to George's for a cheeseburg sub. Both of which I HAVE to eat when I come back home and both of which Jackie LOVED. She raved about the food for hours, which makes me happy because those are foods that mean a lot to me. hah. Anyways, then we hit up The Clothes Vine, Whistelstop Bookshop, and some other shops downtown. We made out like bandits, saw my parents one last time, and hung out with Steph.
It's crazy to think that I won't be able to talk to my best friend again for over a year. I hope hope HOPE that she takes care of herself in Iraq and comes back to us in one piece and happy.
It only took us 4 hours to get back from Carlisle, thank goodness the roads were SO much better. It was still disheartening to see all the snow once we got closer to Grove City. Boo! I want my 40 degrees back. HAH! : )
Jackie and I both contracted a 24 hours stomach bug...but are better now.
What a greaaaaaaaaaaat weekend! And Obama's officially president now, WEEEEEEE! : )
~Can't wait for the superbowl!!!~
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Carlisle
This weekend Jackie and I are driving back to Carlisle to do a photo shoot for Steph. She and her brother are being deployed to Iraq at the end of the month and she's having a farewell ball of sorts. It should be interesting seeing as I have never been to a ball. : ) I'm really excited that she's asked me to photograph, though, and I'm excited to take Jackie out on the town where I grew up. It makes me happy that I can take her to places like the Hamilton and have her try their famous Hotchie Dogs. I'm looking forward to taking her to George's for a cheeseburg sub and to Kim's for Sunday morning breakfast with my dad. At 8 am. She's going to be SO happy about that. HAH! My favorite moment will be taking her to The Clothes Vine. I think she'll really dig the hats and accessories there for SURE. And, of course, we'll have much fun partying. The Gingerbread Man (big bar in Carlizzle) is right around the corner from the hotel we'll be staying in. SO excited!!! : )
The place where Steph is having her ball/party/extravaganza is actually an art gallery, but there won't be any art on the walls for her event, so she wants me (and Jackie) to hang out paintings!!! She's so good to me. I'm really excited for this week and to lay back and have FUN IN CARLISLE. Woot!
Not a single college friend has ever come home with me for anything, so this is really really special to me. And I have all the confidence in the world that Charlie will make it there and back just fine. wooo.
Today, in painting, I went to town on three canvases. I've decided to do abstracted figures, mainly of my friend Meggi. She's modeling for me on Friday, so I just laid out the background today. It feels so relaxing to paint again, and it actually feels like a mega relief to not have photo. I mean, I LOVE photo, but the pressures of photo are too much for me sometimes. Fibers, Printmaking, and Painting...I think it'll be such a nice, relaxing, successful semester.
The snow is so beautiful, but I think I'm ready for a little break from it. I got new wipers today though, so bring on the weather! ; )
The place where Steph is having her ball/party/extravaganza is actually an art gallery, but there won't be any art on the walls for her event, so she wants me (and Jackie) to hang out paintings!!! She's so good to me. I'm really excited for this week and to lay back and have FUN IN CARLISLE. Woot!
Not a single college friend has ever come home with me for anything, so this is really really special to me. And I have all the confidence in the world that Charlie will make it there and back just fine. wooo.
Today, in painting, I went to town on three canvases. I've decided to do abstracted figures, mainly of my friend Meggi. She's modeling for me on Friday, so I just laid out the background today. It feels so relaxing to paint again, and it actually feels like a mega relief to not have photo. I mean, I LOVE photo, but the pressures of photo are too much for me sometimes. Fibers, Printmaking, and Painting...I think it'll be such a nice, relaxing, successful semester.
The snow is so beautiful, but I think I'm ready for a little break from it. I got new wipers today though, so bring on the weather! ; )
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
irrational...
Why am I afraid to dance? I who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter? Why am I afraid to live? I who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living colors of the earth and sky and sea? Why am I afraid to love, I who love love?
--The Great God Brown
--The Great God Brown
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