Lately, the thoughts that have consumed my mind are many. From "I really really need money" to "I really really need to be around people who love me"...etc. I've been doing a lot of things to keep my mind occupied as well as try to make money...and I feel a bit balanced. I have an interview tomorrow...for a job I'd rather not have, but money is money for now until I find something better.
I've been learning that it's really hard to let go of certain people. No matter how much they grate against your soul and turn your heart into complete mush...I at least still feel the need to love. Care. Believe that everything will be just fine...for them and for me. Why is it so easy for people to hurt, to seemingly not care about you or your circumstances...to let go of something you thought was so beautiful.
This whole process, of life, my entire life...seems to be leading to something greater. Something beyond myself. I feel happy and grateful but my soul feels sorrow, held back, broken. What is the difference between being "too dramatic" and just feeling? Feeling 100% every emotion and being emotional about every situation that comes your way. Maybe because I am too expressive that it makes me seem like I am dramatic or an over-analyzer. Being an emotional being is a great quality, but it definitely has its repercussions. A friend recently said "man, Kachina, your life stresses ME out!"...this is not my intention. To stress out those I love. I just need to be vocal about what I'm feeling and thinking...I need to get that feeling out of myself so I can release and move on to the next thing. Is this wrong?
A beloved friend of mine is always saying I need to be true to myself. My hope is that through all of this muck and turmoil...through all of this bitterness and heartache that I can finally FIND myself...let alone be true.
I need to learn how to begin to let people go. REALLY let them go. I've found that most of the people I've met in Western PA are very backwards and more judgemental than they would probably think. I feel like most of these people are extremely manipulative and hurtful. It's a strange group of people...not like any I've met before. It's opened my eyes to the vast variety of people on this planet...but it's also allowed me to realize who I don't want to be. I've never met such a large group of people who find "love" in sleeping with anyone and everyone they know and pretending like it's all ok. There's so much more I could say...and probably should say. I will leave it at that for now. I'm just rolling with my emotions...the utter disgust I feel towards these people, the repulsion, the hatred. But also the intrigue, not for myself personally, but for my future book. I do believe that these screwed up, twisted people will be the main characters. I believe the world will be shocked and find it humorous that people like this actually exist and actually believe that what they are doing is ... ok? Beauty from ashes...that's what I'm most grateful for. The fact that I am resilient. I will, yet again, bounce back. These people will always be stuck here...in Slippery Rock-ish areas. Living their ridiculous lives that they think are normal and right and good. I will be far away from here and from them, writing about their absurdities and being happy that I am no longer here.
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